I love reading tarot and oracle cards. I really do believe that they help 'guide' you in descion making, or giving you a heads up in the nature of challenges to come. I don't believe that some hoaxy spirit is contacting me from beyond the grave, that's just silly. My personal view on oracle and tarot cards is a little more complicated than that. I believe that you have all the answers, you just don't know it yet. They're buried deep in your subconscious, or your a collective answer databank that you share with others. Cards help you bring these answers to light, they aren't telling you what to do -- you already knew it. :3

Today I drew an oracle card and I thought that it was oddly appropriate. I love all my friends, they are 'my tribe'. They each perform a function within my circle of friends and with out even one them, the tribe would be missing a limb. Thanks guys. I love you all. :3

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Whoo. Heavey stuff eh? lol. If anyone is curious about a more eloquent description about how I feel about cards and dowsing and stuff... well just ask. I think Suzanne already knows my take. lol

To be fat or thin, its a choice most of us can make and right now I feel like I'm stuck at a crossroad. I would like to loose weight, but I'm feeling like I'm being pulled in two different directions. On one hand I have my job -- for those of you who don't know I'm a life drawing model. I stand/sit/lay around naked for hours and hours in front of people. In this kind of job fat is fabulous. If you weigh more than 150 you're awesome. If you weigh more than 170 you're lady fucking Godiva. Especially animators, I don't know why but animators love drawing fat chicks.

The last few sessions I've done my weight and shape has come up at work. They'll comment on how 'curvy' or 'plump' I am, or how all those 'skinny models' look the same. I'll mention sometimes that I'm looking to slim down a little bit, but the response is always a resounding ' Nooo! you're perfect! Why would you do that!? " Artist are weird people -- I would know. lol

Ok! So the flip side I have people I work with telling me that I'm great and then there is 'everyone else'. Everyone else is just well that... movies, t.v ads, my peers, crushes fellow models. They have never once said to me "hey fattie slim down!" or anything even remotely malicious directed towards me but sometimes... I don't know, jealousy, envy and insecurity gets the best of everyone I guess.

Now I know what you're thinking: Chantal, you are so above this. Just do what makes you happy.

What happens though when you're not what will make you happy anymore?

I know that I'm a cute, sexy, bubbly girl, (who's a freak in bed ^.~) but when other people look at me and see me do they see what I feel? I guess I just want my outsides to match my insides. I want people to look at me and say " Wow! She's goregeous and I bet you she's a riot!"

Will loosing weight help me reconcile the way I see myself versus the the way I perceive others see me? I don't know..

I hate it when my mom gets sick. Not only does my whole family grind to a halt, but I'm usually next in line to get sick.

Do you know why this is!? Because my mom doesn't go to see the doctor until it's too fucking late. I even tell her things she can do to help make herself better but that very same afternoon she'll go against my advice and the next day ( or evening ) she's sicker than ever.

Yesterday I told her " I know three things you can do to help lessen your cough." and she was all like " Oh!? Tell me please.." and I told her:

1)Lay off the dairy. Don't have any at all, it'll thicken the mucus in your throat and you'll get a gross wet cough.
2) Drink coffee with no milk/creamer/whatever. The caffeine with get your adrenaline going and help soothe those swollen bronchioles
3) Avoid yeast/bready things it'll also make your cough worse.

What does she do!? She goes right to the cupboard and gets some chocolate, puts milk in her coffee and for lunch she has two slices of pizza.
And now? She's wheezing, and coughing up green mucus. I tell her to go to the clinic and she wants to wait until Tuesday. I have zero sympathy for her at the moment, all I can think is you're going to make me sick, just in time for school. I told you what you can do to make this better and you go against EVERYTHING I advised.

I even reminded her " Hey mom, Dairy is going to make you sicker. You should hold off on the pizza, let the boys eat it. " And do you know what she tells me? " Oh, well I want pizza more than I want to be better." 

REALLY!? You want pizza more than your health?

I want to walk down there and ask: Was the pizza that good? But that would be too cruel. I'm just going to ignore her and flip through things I can eat/take to keep her germs at bay. I feel like a need a shower. >.<

Congratulations Luc,

You're a world class ass hole. Some days I wonder how you can even stand yourself. You must be a deeply unhappy person. I feel sorry that you're so miserable and angry all the time. I really do hope you find happiness. Until then if you don't want me to talk to you, you should just say so -- there's no need for this passive-aggressive nastiness! :)

"Tomorrow is an endless opportunity, and an endless opportunity is the second best thing to wake up next to."- Never Swim Alone

A I am lost, so fucking lost in this mess of a woman.

-

A Long before I had the chance to adore all of you,
I adored the bits of you I could see.

-

C Depression's inadequate. A full scale emotional collapse
is the minimum required to justify letting everyone down.

-

B I think about you.
A I dream about you
B Talk about you.
A Can't get you out of my system.
M It's okay.
B I like you in my system.

-

C I crave white on white and black, but my thoughts race in glorious
technicolour, prodding me awake, whipping away the warm blanket
of invisibility every time it swears to smother my mind in nothing.

-

B Now I have found you I can stop looking for myself.

-

A A small girl became increasingly paralysed by her parents' frequently
violent rows. Sometimes she would spend hours standing completely still
in the toilet, simply because that's where she happened to be when the
fight began. Finally, in moments of calm, she would take bottles of milk from
the fridge or doorstep and leave them in places where she may later become
trapped. Her parents were unable to understand why they found bottles of sour
milk in every room in the house.

-

B If you died it would be like my bones had been removed.
No one would know why, but I would collapse.




Sarah Kane - Crave.

Well today was pretty exciting. Jake and I went to the first annual steam punk picnic. It met up with the group at 11 o'clock this morning, got to know some of the people there ( there were like ten of us -- if that? ) and we walked to the ferry docs after a few fun photos. It was a lot of fun, they are very intelligent, polite and reasonably mature people. I'm finding lately I'm growing more and more out of that whole 'anime//cosplay' phase of my life, and I'm looking for something a little more mature. We were there in conjunction with the cosplay picnickers but to be honest most of them drove me nuts. As one gentlemen put it ' In my days our drug of choice was marijuana -- these kids seem to prefer sugar and energy drinks' it was literally like a typhoon of hyperactive tweens had been unleashed on the grassy knoll in centre island.

Jake got lots of attention, he was wearing a little hat I made him. He's totally pooped now, all those people petting him and taking his photo -- not to mention the slightly stressful ferry and train ride. I really clicked with this guy named Matt, he was from Australia, and like a total dish. He 'kind of sortof has a girlfriend' I found out -- not exactly surprised either. Like I said he was a real treat. But we got to spend a lot of one on one time, and I got lunch out of the deal. We went to Kensington and I ordered a veggieburger sans buns. lol

Me: Oh, no buns please.
Matt: WHAT1? O_o you eat your burger with _no_ buns.
Me: ... y-yeah? ._. I haffawheatallergy...
Matt: Oh... I feel like a dick. I'm sorry, did you want a salad or something instead?
Me: No. I enjoy playing mind games with people in the food industry... Hey! I said no buns!!! *tapping the glass*
Matt: rofl.

I also met this very nice man named Clint. He's a DJ and gave me two CD's full of steampunk music. Its pretty neat a lot of it is like ambiance music. The kind you can just chill out too.

I met an Amanda and an Nett, they were super friendly and like the first two people to come talk to me, they made me feel totally not awkward. ^-^

I was in such a hurry this morning to not miss my train I forgot my camera though! So I'll share photos of what other people took. There isn't many yet because well... not a lot of people have uploaded photos yet! ^-^

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" Slowing down enough to sink into your emotions can be a challenge, especially if you are afraid of your own shadow. Once you allow the noise of the day to fall away, you might be pulled into the dark recesses of your imagination where clever words are no longer sufficient to bring you back into the light. If, however, you have the courage to wait it out, negativity will fade and you will return with treasures from your journey within."

I always like reading my horoscope for the day, I never take them too seriously but It's always nice to read 'em.

When I was in my early teens I used to be obssessed with astronomy -- which is different from astrology., I blame my dad and all those episodes of Star Trek we'd watch together when I was a wee-tyke. Not a lot of people know this, but if we go up to my cottage I could probably name every constellation, planet and dying red dwarf we see. I was into and I also have a to scale replica of the constellations Pegasus and Draco on my ceiling in my bedroom. I think the scale I used was something insane like one inch equals five light years.

I bring this all up because today I was cleaning out my closet and I found an old journal, ( yeah back when people wrote things on paper ) and all the math for my ceiling was there. There was short stories and drawings for greenhouses, and my future dream home. lol

I have two 'big trades' going on this summer. I'm making a nice corset for Jenny (in exchange she's giving me a bad-ass skull from her bone collection -- I'm secretly hoping for something with horns if she's willing to part with it. :33 ) and I'm making Fiona a belly dancing belt nothing too too flashy, it'll be out of black vinyl with some silver accents. In exchange she's going to give me a mini-sketchbook filled with drawings of cute boys! Because secretly I am like her biggest art fan -- I just try not to gush about it too much. lol

I've been making a lot of stuff, real tangible 3-D stuff this summer. I'll take pictures and post 'em when I'm feeling a little braver. :)

... is it weird that this is super true for me?

" Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

Ever heard the saying "Been there. Done that?" chances are it came from a Gemini. They are always changing...they are the eternal Chameleon. You never know who you are fucking that day.
They have had sex.
A lot of sex.
Probably because they are in a constant state of flux...always looking for the new high.
The biggest turn on for a Gemini is: LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION.
Here is just a smattering of places that I know Geminis have fucked: In the elevator of the moseleum of Forest Lawn Cemetary DURING A FUNERAL. Wine cellars in nightclubs. Vip Areas of Theatres. Public Parks. The 18th Hole of a private golf course. In the center of a race track just as the flag was going up. On various Gym equipment at numerous health spas. A football stadium during the SuperBowl. A Balcony railing at Mardis Gras in the French Quarter...just to name a few.
If it's shiny...they will want it. They are big on DRAMA so be prepared for them to set the mood for sex no matter WHERE you might end up. They WILL take the initiative. They live off their charm. If they are male and gay they will still be the greatest fuck your female friend has ever had. Go figure. They are also Voyeurs but always willing to lend a hand ... or any other part of anatomy. If they are depressed, suck on their fingers, that always seems to cheer them up. Their goal is to fuck in the front row of the OSCARS when the cameras pans on them so that they can wave. "

Everyone go find out what your astrological fantasy is !!!

click me !

I really enjoy meditating lately... not the ' I'm going to make my mind a blank slate' kind of meditate. The kind where you just lay in the dark and let your mind wander to far off places, and you meet strange faces.

After I have a shower I like to crawl back in bed and just lay there for a few minutes ( I hate putting clothes on when I'm still all wet ! ) and it's usually after showers while I lay in bed staring at my canopy that I day dream. Today I thought about a library...

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I have a few of these little meditation trips I take. I write them down afterwards, I thought maybe it would be nice to start posting them. Feel free to try it sometimes yourself, and write about what you felt and saw. It's amazing how telling a situation can be.

Suzanne, Lisa, Fiona. Do not worry, I'm safe. I cried on my front porch and fell asleep there until my dad let me into the house when he came home for lunch. lol

I also put a hole in the basement window. Oops.

Okay, so for those of you who don't know I haven't bought a single article of clothing from a big box store iiiiin... Almost five months! I've made three, I'm working on my fourth off and on. The past two things I made were kind of like experiments in creating clothing with out using a pattern, and that went okay. The clothes don't fit GREAT but they'll do. :3

I find that I have two very distinctive tastes in clothing -- I attribute it to being a Gemini. I like very whimsical Bohemian type clothes, you know sari's, salwar pants, long flowing maxi skirts and things like that. It's just so much fun, and so so romantic. :3

And then there is my undying, irrefutable love for cyberpunk. I just love the structure, the flattering silhouettes, the contrast of the stark black with bright neons of metallics. It's like goth all grown up, I have a serious addiction to cyberpunk clothing. Literally half my working wardrobe is filled with very expensive cyberpunk clothes. I would wear them out more often but, a lot of the outfits I have are um... a little revealing? I usual wear my cyberpunk clothes when the occasion demands it.

I bring this all up because my friends at PlastikWrap ( as close to friends that anyone with a consumer/merchant relationship can be lol ) have released they're new spring line. And I'm really excited. Leggings are so my thing and I nearly came in pants when I saw THESE :




It's midnight, and I can't sleep. Maybe I'll go finsih that other little sewing project I had started. lol

Well, for those of your who don't know I've got some pretty bad psoriases going on. The worst of it you can't see because it's on my stomach and back, but seeing as I'm a nude model... everyone gets to see it. It's funny how being overweight bothers me much less than this does right now. It's itchy, (especially at night ) and raised, and just plain ugly. I'm sure that all the poor suckers who have to draw me are wondering what the hell is going on.

But! There is some good news. The doctors think it could be because I have a gluten/wheat intolerance, and they asked me to do my best to avoid gluten and wheat at all costs. I've been gluten free for five days and I think that today was the day I saw some real progress. They haven't disappeared but they are definitely less red and and not nearly as raised. So I'm hoping that this will work out and I won't need to take a crazy cocktail of medication that'll suppress my immune system or anything like that. I've also been feeling really great since I stopped eating wheat and gluten, I have like tons of energy and I'm always in a good mood. It's weird. lol

Today Fiona had the most AMAZING nails. They were snow leopard print! Hun, you totally inspired me -- I made tiger nails! We're like... Josie and the pussy cats? XD

( Art )

I read a really interesting essay earlier today about polyarmorous relationships. It's basically polygamy from one persons point of view. I've read about the subject extensively previously, only because it's something that really terrified me. But the good kind of the scared, the kind where you're afraid, but painfully curious at the same time. I think perhaps the next relationship I'm in I'd like to it to be polyarmorous. I'm an adventurous person, and every now and again I like to shock this system. This would be a good shock I think. It would force me to put aside all my insecurities and jealousies and just let it all go.

Just to know that a person chose me because I can offer something that no one else can, something they need so bad with out it they'll die. But it goes bothways, I would also have to realize that I can't offer everything, and that it would be okay if we met and hung out with other people who fullfilled needs that I couldn't. :3 I think it would be wonderful adventure. 

I don't know who wrote this essay. I nicked it from galadarling.com. But here it is. :3

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I decided to return to Livejournal, and just... start fresh. :3

My user name has nothing to do with well... anything... It was that little 'two word' authentication thing you have to type in. I also happen to really like the colour orange, it's one of my favourites. n_n;